


The Old Habit

by dfbytc



Series: [RE]Chroma [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Falling In Love, First Date, First Kiss, M/M, Overcoming Trauma, Past Character Death, Slice of Life, mention of death and suicide, nurse!Hakyeon, paramedic!Taekwoon, wingman hakyeon (?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24690763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dfbytc/pseuds/dfbytc
Summary: Their encounter becomes a fond memory in Wonshik's heart.When an unknown number contacts him that night, the memory seems to become graspable again.-He locks his phone, exhales. He picks up the cigarettes from the couch-table, lights one with his zippo.He realises he likes the idea of meeting Taekwoon again. It would be nice, wouldn’t it? Maybe? But at the same time, wouldn’t it be weird?The only progress he has made is that he works on music again. But things are getting a little better.Wonshik will pick up the paint and add colour to his life, little by little. On the black canvas sparkles a turquoise sea, there, in the distance.
Relationships: Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Kim Wonshik | Ravi
Series: [RE]Chroma [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1144253
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you are going to read this, please read "Опомнись" and then "A New Ocean" first. 
> 
> In this there are glimpses of Wonshik’s past with the partner he lost. I’m not putting the pairing in the tags because I don’t want it to be misleading, but it’s another VIXX member. Just be warned if you don’t like reading this kind of fics. There is nothing graphic in this fic. 
> 
> I know this looks like a depressing read but I promise it has light-hearted, funny and sweet moments in it.

~”If I hold onto you, it hurts  
~But if I let you go, it hurts even more  
~This place is deeper than a dream inside a dream  
~I have no confidence to escape from it”

  
  
Jaehwan sings into the microphone, and Wonshik is yet again taken aback by the beauty that is this young man's voice. Jaehwan man has his eyes closed, singing with so much raw emotion it can wash you away. And Wonshik knows, he just knows if he allowed himself to close his eyes as well, he would become a weeping mess.

This is not good.  
  
Shit.

~“Saying that I’ll forget you  
~Is all a lie that remains in me  
~Your face spreads throughout my heart again  
~It hurts even more than before  
~I think I miss you even more”

This was not a good idea.  
  
It’s just too soon.  
  
But Sanghyuk managed to persuade him, insisted.

_  
‘It is just too beautiful… Please Wonshik. Do it for yourself. For my him.’_

  
  
~“I think it’s even more dangerous”

  
  
Jaehwan opens his eyes as the music bleeds out. He looks at Hyojin, who leans back in her seat, amazed. She nods to Jaehwan holding her headphones, signing him ok with her fingers.  
  
“Good job,” she mouths and Jaehwan smiles brightly. But when he looks at Wonshik next, he freezes.

_  
‘But… It’s too soon… Isn’t it…?’_

_‘Hyung… It’s been 1 and a half years.’_

  
Wonshik sits stiffly there, hand on his mouth, fingers digging into his skin. A look is painted across his face Jaehwan cannot read, and it’s scaring him.  
  


“Was… Was it bad?” Jaehwan asks timidly, with a voice of a mouse. He has never seen Wonshik like this.  
  


Hyojin looks at Jaehwan, bewildered, then notices Wonshik’s expression.

Contrary to Jaehwan she recognises this face.

She leans over to talk into the microphone.  
  
  
“Jyanni, this was incredible. Please, take a break. I’ll call you in in ten.”  
  
  
Jaehwan and Hyojin take off their headphones, and Jaehwan exits the recording room.

_‘But I don’t want to forget him… I need him in my life. And he is still here Hyuk, I feel him.’_

_  
_  
Jaehwan looks over to Hyojin who gestures for him to leave quickly, and so he shuts the door behind him gently, leaving the two producers alone.  
  
Hyogin puts her hand on Wonshik’s thigh, gives him a sympathetic look.

_  
‘I never said you should forget him… I just think working on this song will help you.’_

_  
_  
“Hey, Shiki… Hey, love, look at me.”  
  
Wonshik looks up, pulled out of his trance.

  
“We can postpone this track if you want to. I have two more songs prepared for him... We don’t have to rush it.”  
  
  
Wonshik nods faintly, and then Hyolin leans him against her. She embraces the younger, starts stroking his hair, cradling him. With this display of affection, the first tears escape Wonshik’s eye, and he starts crying in her arms, silently, hugging her back.  
  
“It’s so beautiful Wonshik. I know… I know Beanie would have loved it… But we have time.”

-

Hyojin persuaded him that his hair got too long for anyone’s taste, so he decides to get a proper haircut again.  
  
After watering the cactus on his table, he forces himself to look through his list of contacts to call for an appointment. Last time he went to the next best hairdresser he found at the central station- and regretted instantly. This time he will see his usual hairdresser.  
  
  
The timing is odd.

Just as he finds his hairdresser’s number on his phone and wants to press call, he gets a message from an unknown number.  
  
  
>How are you doing, Mr. Kim?  
  
  
He re-reads the message, checks the number, tries to recollect if he has seen it before. When was the last time he gave this number to someone?  
  
  
<I’m sorry, but I don’t know who this is

  
>I’ll give you a hint  
> <3  
  
Wonshik stares at his screen. Can this be? After seven? Yes, seven months, why does he contact him? Did Taekwoon give him his number? Because this attitude certainly does not belong to Taekwoon.  
  
<is this Hakyeon? because if it’s you I am still pissed

>oh, my! why, what did I do to deserve such a thing?  
>I helped you, didn’t I?  
  


Wonshik has to admit that, without his help, he wouldn’t have met Taekwoon, at least not as soon. But calling Hakyeon and having Taekwoon on the line instead was not ok. Although maybe… Maybe Wonshik is overreacting.  
  
  
>taking too long to answer, aren’t we?  
  


<did Taekwoon give you my number? what do you want?  
  
  
>lets say Woonie is a little too lenient with me using his phone  
  


Wonshik doesn’t know how to reply. What does this even mean?  
  
  
>ok I stole your number, don’t be mad at him  
>he doesnt know  
  
  
<what for?  
  
  
>Woonie would like to contact you  
  


Huh?  
  


<ok?  
<and why do *you* write me instead?  
  
  
>he lost his phone  
  


Is Hakyeon fooling around?  
  
  
<then how did you get this number?  
  
  
This better be a good reply.  
  
  
>I had the foresight and copied ur number before he lost his phone  
>I thought he’d break his phone but he lost it instead  
>that’s why he only gets cheap ones, they all end up in the trash  
  


Still sounds fishy but… ok.  
  
  
<why don’t you give him my number then?  
<doesn’t make sense  
  
  
>ok, listen  
>this is confidential information  
  


Ok, what comes now?  
  
  
>I’m incognito… I writing you because Woonie found a liking in you  
  
  
W… What?  
  
>and before you respond hear me out  
>idk what it is about you  
>but I am telling you as his friend that he would really love to see you again  
>he cant shut up about you  
>and not in the creepy way ok trust me  
>Woonie is an absolute sweetheart  
>he thought about contacting you but didnt know if it was ok  
>he hoped you’d might write him first but then he lost his phone and ur number  
> for some reason he cant forget you  
>I could give him your number but I thought you could initiate it instead and contact him first  
>I mean, if you swing that way  
>pls say you do  
  
  
Wonshik just stares at his screen, doesn’t know what to write. This is a lot. Taekwoon likes him? Like in, like likes him? Huh. Weird.  
  


He thinks of Taekwoon, of how this stranger (because that’s what he is, isn’t he? A stranger) held him when the tears of relief washed over him and he cried like a child. The man didn’t say a word, held him like friend would, even if he didn’t really know Wonshik. It was embarrassing at first, but incredibly warm and calming, the way his long arms wrapped around him and he didn’t say anything, didn’t ask. It was just what he needed in that moment, and Taekwoon knew, he just knew like it was natural to him.

Taekwoon is not them.  
  
Taekwoon is not them.

It was his mantra before meeting Taekwoon, but it stayed just the same after meeting Taekwoon.  
  
  
‘Taekwoon is not them’ was reassuring to say now, not something he had to do in order to avoid panic attacks and breakdowns.  
  


Taekwoon had replaced the face of the deity, and his was not scary at all. It was full of kindness with feline eyes, brown orbs someone could lose themselves into. His smile was lovely, his touch was warm, and his voice was not broken and strained. Wonshik felt safe.  
  
  
Taekwoon is definitely not them.  
  
  
Suddenly, Wonshik’s phone vibrates with an incoming call.  
  


Hakyeon.

Wonshik rejects it instantly. Then, another message follows.  
  


>hey, don’t ignore me  
>…pls  
  
  
<I cant talk on the phone rn  
  
  
This is a lie, but Wonshik doesn’t have it in him to talk on the phone right now.  
  
>sry  
  
  
<ok  
  
  
>so what do you say?  
  
  
Wonshik hesitates, but he is honest with himself and Hakyeon, types ‘idk’, because he _doesn’t really know._ He throws his phone to the side of the couch, leans back.  
  
He remembers back.  
  
Taekwoon had offered him to keep in touch, but Wonshik was a little taken aback by his friendliness, and although had said yes, he would, he never contacted Taekwoon again.

But he did think of him, often, when he let his mind wander.

Taekwoon, he was sure, even before bidding their goodbyes, would be a charming friend. Lovely, reliable. He seemed a too good to be true, considering the fear he invoked in Wonshik before.  
  
He could see himself becoming Taekwoon’s friend.  
  
Maybe something more?

_‘Cute-Shik!’_

  
Hongbin’s wide smile appears in his mind, so adorable, unreachable.

  
  
_‘I love you so much…’_

  
Could he?

It feels like he would never be able to. It is shame and the emotional baggage he is still carrying around with him, the problems he has to overcome by himself that prevent him from taking the help of yet another hand. He has caused so much trouble and pain to the people around him, his family and friends, even his co-workers and Hyojin- as if they weren’t mourning on their own.  
  
Taekwoon’s offer was always hanging in the air, long after their encounter, but Wonshik tried to forget about him. This was the easy way out for both of them. Or that’s what he had believed.  
  
>listen Wonshik  
>Taekwoon has the same number, he managed to re-order his sim-card  
>so if you like him just a little or if he is your type, maybe consider writing him a line or two  
>he has some weird working hours but I guess it’s the same for you too, Ravi?  
>I bet you’ll find time to meet  
  
Wonshik smirks.  
  
<I see someone used google  
  
>I needed to check what kind of guy you were before giving you my blessings  
>I even listened to some of your songs, I liked them!  
  
To that, Wonshik can’t help but smile.  
  
<thank you, I appreciate it  
  
He locks his phone, exhales. He picks up the cigarettes from the couch-table, lights one with his zippo.  
  
Taekwoon likes him.  
  
He felt, _feels_ very fond of Taekwoon. And it is not only his beautiful exterior. It was the calmness and the familiarity he oozed, the way he talked. His long hair that was a little messy also adds to the image of the gentle man with the soft voice, making Wonshik curious.  
  
Although his heart feels heavy, and he feels Hongbin’s weight on his shoulder, like the younger is leaning on him, sleeping beside him…  
  
He realises he likes the idea of meeting Taekwoon again.  
  
It would be nice, wouldn’t it? Maybe?  
  
But at the same time, wouldn’t it be weird?

  
  
  
_‘For the fact that you have yolo tattooed on your chest, you take surprisingly little risks, Shiki.’_

  
  
  
Hongbin’s words echo in his head, and Wonshik exhales the smoke into his living room.  
  
“Hongbin, why are you always so mean to me?” Wonshik smiles, bittersweet.  
  
Whenever Hongbin found the chance to make fun of his tattoo he would, but it was always meant just to tease him, there was no malice behind it.  
  
Once, the tattoo used to be a reminder to live his life to the fullest, risk more, be bold, happy, enjoy every aspect of his life without remorse.  
  
Wonshik pulls on his cigarette again.  
  
The tattoo’s meaning has changed.  
  
Now, it has become a constant reminder that he should _live_ , leave his cocoon, just, be more out there, reclaim what once used to be a colourful life… But he hasn’t acted on it yet.  
  
The only progress he has made is that he works on music again.  
  
Ever since Hongbin was robbed from him, nothing seemed to have a meaning anymore. The loss bleached his life. Every hue, every sensation was stripped off. Hongbin was once painting his mornings a warm yellow, his nights comforting purple he loved to drown in. His smile was brighter than the sun, there was nothing that could compare. His hand in Wonshik’s was home, something his four walls will never be for him.  
  
Months later after Hongbin’s accident, after all the effort, after everyone around him was trying to help him and it just _didn’t work_ , because _nothing_ worked, nothing could bring his heart back and make it beat again… The abyss seemed to be the only comfortable place. His life was bleak, turning a sole black, losing even the scarce sprinkles of grey and white. He missed his loud laugh, his dimples, god, the way he fell back on the bed from laughing and was teary-eyed, the sparkle in his doe eyes. He missed the way Hongbin reached out to touch him, all giggly, until they became a laughing mass of entangled limbs.  
  
He thought he was going to drown from the pain in his chest.

The abyss was inviting.

The abyss meant absence from the pain.

The abyss meant being re-united with Hongbin.

And he found the key, the entrance pass to that abyss in his hand one night.  
  
16 pills. He counted them.  
  
The last 18 months have been mere surviving.  
  
But.  
  
Things _are_ getting a little better.  
  
He can see turquoise.  
  
Wonshik swallows.  
  
He owes everyone this.

He owes this to Hongbin, who was the definition of life.  
  
To his family, who is always waiting for him with open arms, held his head over water.  
  
To Hyuk who found him when the abyss had almost claimed him, and he never let go of him.  
  
To Hyojin, this angel who proved herself to be more than a friend, yes, family.  
  
To Taekwoon, who managed to bring him back that day.  
  


He grabs his phone again.  
  


  
“Ok Bean, how about this?”  
  
  
He owes this to himself.  
  
For the first time in what feels like forever.  
  
YOLO.  
  
He will pick up the paint and add colour to his life again, little by little.  
  
On the black canvas sparkles a turquoise sea, there, in the distance.  
  
Wonshik reaches for his phone, opens up the chat with Hakyeon.

  
_YOLO._

  
<listen  
<I don’t know how to say this  
<but I am very fond of Taekwoon  
<and it’s not just because you told me that he likes me ok  
<because of personal reasons I didn’t contact him  
<plus, considering the circumstances, it was weird, ok? idk  
<give me some time to consider

  
Wonshik stares at his screen, re-reading what sounds to him like a confession.  
  
His first stoke with the brush, and a red has been added.  
  
“See, Beanie?”  
  
He feels a little proud.  
  
>Alright, Shiki, that was all I wanted to hear :)  
  
<don’t call me that  
  
>alright, Ravi <3  
  
<god, how on earth are you friends with Taekwoon?  
<you are so annoying, and he is so sweet

>sweet? oho, this is quite insightful! ;))))  
  
Wonshik could bite his tongue.  
  
>You know what they say, don’t you? opposites attract

  
  
-

<Hello, Taekwoon, how are you? I know this comes out of the blue, but would you like to meet? For a drink, or food, maybe?

-Wonhsik

  
-Sent-

This two lines took Wonshik one whole hour to write, and he sighs as he falls back onto his mattress.

  
Now he has to wait, and pray, no, just hope that Hakyeon didn’t lie to him, that Taekwoon still would like to see him again.  
  
Just friends. A friendship, for starters. Babysteps. Coming out of his cocoon.  
  


To be honest, it wasn’t just this one hour. He has been trying to write him for two weeks now. It was constantly on his mind, between recording sessions and meeting with his psychiatrist. In the end he didn’t even make an appointment to get his hair cut. He has a full grown mullet now, and he is beginning to like it. Maybe he could trim some pieces himself to make it look more like an actual haircut.

He leans back on his trusty bed.  
  
Wonshik hates how he is so nervous. He asked this man if he’d like to meet. It’s not a date. It’s just _friends_ meeting. But they aren’t friends yet. But Taekwoon wanted to meet again, didn’t he? He gets more and more self-aware by the minute, of how the message must sound, of how weird and out of the blue this must be. He bites his lip. Why is this so hard? Wonshik feels like he is all over the place.

What does he want, really? Is this just a friendly meeting? Is he ready to move forward and meet people? Isn’t this something far more complicated? Usually, he can read his own emotions pretty well, at least, that’s what he thinks. But Taekwoon is an itchy topic, something that messes with him in various ways. What is this?

He is not them.

In all this back and forth in his mind Wonshik almost misses his phones vibrating with an incoming message.  
  
Wonshik reaches for his phone on the mattress, dares to look at it.  
  
It’s Taekwoon!  
  
He didn’t expect to get an instant reply.

He needs a cigarette.  
  
He nearly runs to the living room, lights a stick up hastily, falls back on his sofa.  
  
Smoke fills the air once more, and he finds the courage to read the text.  
  
  
>Hey, I’m doing fine, how are you? Meeting sounds nice, actually. When and where?  
  
  
Wonshik swallows. Hakyeon wasn’t messing with him. He will see Taekwoon again, and a warm feeling of comfort starts spreading in his belly.  
  
Ok, how is his schedule? He opens his agenda app.  
  
On Saturday there is a recording session with Jaehwan again, until about 7 pm. After that Hyojin has another singer booked, someone she had called Hani. The name sounded familiar but Wonshik couldn’t remember if he had seen her before.  
  
  
<How does Saturday sound? I work until probably 7 pm. Have you ever been to the “Shangri-La-Bar”?  
  
  
>I work until 8 pm… I you don’t mind me looking like a mess after my shift we could meet right after.  
  
  
Why should Wonshik mind?  
  


<I won’t look my best either, don’t worry.  
  
  
>I doubt that.  
  
  
Oh. _Oh_.  
  
  
Now, Wonshik is not the best at flirting, he never was, but this has a flirty connotation, 100%. Shit, he feels his cheeks getting warm. What an idiot he is.

  
  
_‘You wear your heart on your sleeve.’_

  
  
“I know, I know…”

  
>Wonshik?  
  
  
<So Shangri La? Should I pick you up?  
  
  
He types in too quickly, choosing to ignore the last bit, almost misspelling every single word.  
  
  
>Sounds good to me. Same spot as last time?  
  
  
<I’ll be there at 8pm.  
  
  
>Alright, looking forward to see you again.  
  
  
Wonshik feels his face get warm again. Taekwoon is blunt in a subtle way (?). It makes his heart swell.  
  
  
  
  
<Me too.

  
-

  
  
When he arrives at the hospital, it finally starts sinking in that he is about to _meet Taekwoon again_. He was watching the time go by today while trying to concentrate on Jaehwan’s singing, earning weird looks from Hyojin.

  
  
“Are you in a hurry?”  
  
“…No.”  
  
Hyojin smiled, shaking her head.

  
“You think you can lie to me? I see right through you.”  
  
Wonshik smiled back.  
  
“I… I have an appointment.”  
  
“An appointment.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“That’s why you’re wearing your expensive limited-edition Reeboks?”

  
  
This is not a date, Wonshik tells himself. It is just meeting with a… a possible friend. But even this wording sounds off to him. 

  
  
He enters the facility from the back, just like last time. And just like last time the same man at the desk has his shift. He seems to recognise Wonshik, nods at him.  
  
The clock at the wall reads 7:50, and Wonshik turns 180 degrees to the exit again, searching for his cigarettes in his pocket. At least 10 minutes to go, probably more. Surely Taekwoon needs to change, and who knows if he can actually make it out on time.  
  
Just as he lights up a stick a person appears next to him, scaring him shitless.

  
  
“W-Woah!”  
  
  
It’s a man dressed a clown, and he smirks at him with perfect pearls, which doesn’t exactly help the situation. He wears a pastel green wig with two braids dangling awkwardly on each side, with red smeared all around his mouth. One yellow star is painted over his eye, the other has just exaggerated make up with fake lashes.  
  
  
“Hello Shiki.”  
  
  
“Hakyeon?” Wonshik exclaims, and Hakyeon just grins at him.  
  


“Why are you dresses like this?”  
  
  
“You don’t like it?”  
  
  
Wonshik musters Hakyeon and sees that he wears a whole proper attire, matching pants with glitter shoes and all.  
  
  
“What are you doing here looking like this?”  
  
  
“You _know_ I’m working here.”  
  
  
“As a clown?”  
  
  
Hakyeon clears his throat.  
  
“I’m a nurse first, clown second. I dress up like this to entertain our youngest patients.”  
  
  
Wonshik stares at him, deeply touched. He knew Hakyeon was working here, but who would have thought that this was Hakyeon’s occupation? Or, well, at least, second occupation.  
  
“Wow, that’s… That’s nice of you. Are you impersonating someone specifically?”  
  
  
“Hm, no, this is entirely made up by me. The kids have given me the nickname ‘starlight’ though. It’s because I always draw a star over my eye.”  
  
  
“That’s… Cute.”  
  
  
Hakyeon smiles, but the mischief returns to his features.  
  
“Are you waiting for Woonie?”  
  


Wonshik pulls on his stick again, fidgets a little with it to get rid of burnt end.

“You know I am.”  
  
  
“Are you nervous?”  
  
  
“Why should I be?”  
  
Wonshik pulls on the cigarette again, a little too quickly, and exhales.  
  


“I mean, it’s a date, isn’t it? I would be.”  
  
  
“I’ve told you before, it’s not as you think it is.”  
  
  
“Uh-huh.”  
  
  
“What?”  
  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
  
Wonshik pulls on the cigarette one last time and then extinguishes it on the nearby ashtray, purposefully looking away from Hakyeon.  
  
  
“What if I tell you Woonie also dresses up as a clown?”  
  


Wonshik turns his eyes back to Hakyeon, a thousand images flooding his head.  
  
“What?”  
  
  
“And he looks adorable!”  
  


Wonshik tries to imagine Taekwoon in a similar attire but fails when he hears someone shouting from behind Hakyeon.  
  
  
“Hey you two, sorry to interrupt-“  
  
-It’s Taekwoon popping up at the entrance, still in his working clothes, hair in a messy bun and with a sweat-plastered face, shit _,_ and he looks Wonshik in the eyes _-_

“-I just wanted you to know that I just returned from a call and I just need to change, I’ll be right back.”  
  


And just like that he dashes away, and both Wonshik and Hakyeon are left behind, looking after him. Wonshik has to remind himself to close his mouth, and then his eyes meet Hakyeon’s, who smirks knowingly at him.  
  
“I mean, you say ‘it’s not like that’, but your face tells a whole different story, Shiki.”  
  
  
“Can you _please_ not make this _even more_ difficult for me,” Wonshik pleas as he closes his eyes, resigned. He can’t hide anything from Hakyeon, but then again he has always been that obvious.  
  
  
“Sure, Shiki.”  
  
  
“Please don’t call me that.”  
  
  
“Alright, _Ravi_.”  
  
  
“God, you are so, so annoying.”  
  
  
Hakyeon grins, readjusts his clothes and his wig.  
  
“You know what? I think I’ll get going.”  
  
  
Wonshik eyes Hakyeon from the side, watching his piggy tails wiggle with every tiny movement.  
  
“Do that.”  
  
  
“You two have fun~” Hakyeon winks, and doesn’t wait for an answer as he marches his way back inside the hospital in his fancy glitter shoes, leaving Wonshik wonder again _how_ these two are friends.

  
  
-

  
  
A cigarette and a few lonely minutes later, Taekwoon appears, looking so much different in his black clothes and pointy boots with heels. Wonshik notices his piercings for the first time. His hair is still messy, his glasses have a visible fingerprint on one corner. He wears necklaces with pendants, a burgundy shirt under his black denim jacket. Wonshik even thinks he can smell some perfume, and curses under his breath that he only wore some cheap body spray instead of his favourite Eau de V. Suddenly he wished he wore nicer clothes, instead of his dark blue denims and a black button up.  
  


The mantra in his head is still stuck on repeat.  
  
 _Taekwoon is not them.  
  
_

At least he is wearing his nice Reeboks he put on for some reason.  
  
  
“Sorry, I hope you didn’t wait long.”  
  
  
“Uhm, no, no.” Wonshik shakes his head. He waited 30 minutes in total but he doesn’t care at all. Seeing Taekwoon like this is enough compensation.

What, no, wait, what is he thinking?  
  
Taekwoon smiles gratefully, as if he can see right through Wonshik’s lie.  
  
  
“Alright, let’s go then.”

  
  
-

  
  
The underground line is packed with people, as one train prior had to drop off all the passengers due to electricity problems. So Taekwoon and Wonshik don’t really get to talk much on their way, with Taekwoon being pushed against the walls of the wagon and Wonshik bravely trying to keep his distance and not be squashed against him. But then he is being pushed by a big man, and lands with his back against Taekwoon’s chest.  
  
He mutters ‘sorry’ over his shoulder.  
  
“It’s ok,” Taekwoon reassures him.  
  
Wonshik can feel his breath on his ear.  
  
Taekwoon’s perfume smells of sandalwood.

-

  
  
They exit the train and finally they can breathe again.  
  


When they reach the surface, young people are all around them, dressed in fancy clothes, wearing expensive jewellery. The sun starts going down already, reminding them that it’s September and the days are getting shorter. Neon lights are flooding the narrow streets, and the smell of food fills the air. It’s quite noisy with music coming from every corner, and the amount of people talking, laughing. Although it’s so crowded, it feels welcoming, warm.

The night carries a summer night’s promise of adventure, brought forth from the colourful drinks in people’s hands and the mischief hidden behind their smiles.

It makes one feel young again, more alive.  
  
Wonshik realises he hasn’t been out in ages.  
  
  
“I like it here.” Taekwoon announces beside him, as he eyes the street cafes and bars, the restaurants and diners.  
  
  
“It takes away one’s loneliness…” Taekwoon adds, saying that more to himself than to Wonshik, and the later is left wondering what that could possibly mean.

  
  
_Taekwoon is not them._

_  
_  
Wonshik’s eyes stay glued on Taekwoon as he wanders around, eyes full of wonder, as if he has not been here before. Maybe he hasn’t, Wonshik doesn’t know.  
  
“It’s your first time here?”  
  
  
“Yes.” Taekwoon says as he turns around to face Wonshik again.  
  
  
“How come?”  
  
  
“I relocated 3 years ago, and I’m… stuck with my job. And usually, when I have time off… There are other things I’ll occupy myself with.”  
  
  
“For example?”  
  
  
“My sister has a kid. I… I really like my uncle role, so I visit her often. That’s why I moved here, actually.”  
  
  
Taekwoon carrying a little kid in his arm is next image popping up in Wonshik’s head, and he can’t help but find it incredibly adorable.  
  
Taekwoon pulls out his phone, opens his gallery to show Wonshik. A whole folder on his cloud (438 files) just with pictures and videos of a baby-boy and partially Taekwoon.  
  
  
“This is Minyul.”  
  
Minyul eating his toe, Minyul cuddling a plushy, Minyul looking up. Minyul in Taekwoon’s arms, laughing, smiling, screaming, crying.  
  
  
“How cute…” Wonshik says truthfully, and he doesn’t solely mean Minyul.  
  
  
“He is… I love him so much.”  
  
  
Wonshik watches Taekwoon’s face light up again. They haven’t even sat down to chat properly and Taekwoon already makes his heart swell.

  
  
-

  
  
Shangri La is a beautiful Restaurant-Bar with traditional Asian cuisine from different countries. Red and white paper lanterns dangle in the light breeze outside, and a woman is mixing a cocktail behind the bar. Entering the restaurant one can see the interior is kept in sleek black and deep red, and a whole waterfall is installed into a stone wall. There are several Monstera plants all around the place, with big and heavy leaves that give off tropical vibes, which shouldn’t really fit into the theme of the rest with the furniture, but it does. Muted red spotlights are pointed at the dark walls, and some heavy industrial lights are hanging from the ceiling, providing each table with enough light to wine and dine.  
  
Wonshik realises this might not be the best place for a first meeting, and curses at himself for choosing the coolest, but not necessarily the best spot for tonight.  
  
  
“Wow, this place is… Incredible.” Taekwoon says, astonishment written all over his face.  
  
  
“You like it? I was just thinking that maybe it’s too much…”  
  
  
“No, it’s… I really like it. I haven’t been anywhere quite like it before.”  
  
  
“Ok then.”  
  
  
A waiter spots them and guides them to their table, and Wonshik is thankful that it’s a corner in the back, where it’s a little more secluded, providing them a little more privacy. The waiter promises to return soon to take their orders before he leaves them on their own again.

Taekwoon takes off his Jacket and hangs it on the wall. Taekwoon has wide shoulders and Wonshik has to remind himself not to stare, so he looks away before Taekwoon turns around again. He is so much different from Hongbin he realises, who was tiny compared to him. Taekwoon eyes the table and looks at Wonshik next, as if he does not know where to sit.

They have a square table made of dark wood all on their own, as well four black chairs.  
  
  
“Oh, uhm, where do you want to sit?” Wonshik asks to be polite.  
  
  
“Opposite to you.”  
  
  
Wonshik has to swallow. This is not a big deal. This just didn’t mean anything in particular. Don’t be stupid. He can either sit next to him or opposite, and next to him would probably be weird.

  
“Ok then.”  
  
  
When Taekwoon bows over to take a seat Wonshik is able to peek at Taekwoon’s chest, but then Taekwoon looks up again as he sits down, smiling slightly at Wonshik. He hopes his face does not show where he had been looking at as he pulls his chair into position to sit down too.  
  
He locks eyes with Taekwoon again and pushes the menu over to him, and it dawns on Wonshik that as much as he denied it earlier with Hakyeon, this turns out to be a date, in every sense possible.  
  
  
Looking (kinda) nice? Check.  
Sitting nervously in a fancy place? Check.  
Glancing awkwardly in the direction of the person you’re out with? Check.  
Finding them more attractive by the minute? Oh, yes, yes. Check.  
  
Wonshik has to force himself to stay still and not physically shake away these thoughts. What the hell brain.  
  
Taekwoon puts some stray hair away with his pinkie and smiles at Wonshik.  
  
  
“So... you worked today too?” Taekwoon asks as he swiftly opens up the menu without even looking down.  
  
  
“Yes, I was, uhm-“ Wonshik starts to explain, but is not sure if he should explain his job, if that’s what Taekwoon wants to hear. He doesn’t want to come off snobby (because sadly this has happened before), but eventually decides to tell him. “before I picked you up I was working at the studio.”  
  
  
“Studio?”  
  
Apparently Hakyeon kept his mouth shut although he stalked him online.  
  
  
“I write and produce music… I also rap and sing myself.”  
  
Taekwoon looks at him a little dumb folded and then the waiter appears again.  
  
  
“So did you pick something?”  
  
Both Taekwoon and Wonshik look at him apologetically, and the waiter promises to show up again in 5.  
  
  
“Let’s choose what to eat first.” Taekwoon smiles again and Wonshik dives into the menu too. The waiter saved him. As he roams the dishes his eyes get stuck on the sushi plates, and suddenly he has made up his mind.  
  
  
“I think I’ll be eating sushi…” Wonshik murmurs and looks at Taekwoon again, and he is biting down his bottom lip, thinking hard.  
  
  
“I think… I will too. Actually,” Taekwoon puts some stray hair away again, and Wonshik notices how attractive he finds this gesture for some reason, “Do you want to order a big plate together?”  
  
  
“Ok, sure. Which one?”  
  
Taekwoon shows Wonshik on his menu with his slender long finger.  
  
  
“This one?” Taekwoon points to a rich colourful plate with about 60 pieces.  
  
  
“Alright…”  
  
  
As on command the waiter reappears and asks if they have decided on their food and drinks, then happily starts taking their order, asks them if he should bring them an aperitif for a starter. Wonshik looks at Taekwoon, wonders if he shouldn’t drink anything with alcohol, if it would mess with his medication. But he doesn’t want to be a killjoy, so he looks at Taekwoon who doesn’t know either, or so it seems. Wonshik tells the waiter he might as well bring them whatever he wants them to. So they order sushi and some beer too, why not, and then the waiter promises to return with everything soon.  
  
With the waiter gone Taekwoon turns his attention to Wonshik again, and Wonshik sees a sparkle of interest in his eyes.  
  
  
“So you make music?”  
  
  
“...Yes.”  
  
  
“What kind of music?”  
  
  
“Everything, really.”  
  
  
“Hmm.”  
  


Taekwoon didn’t drop the topic. Wonshik is not sure if Taekwoon wants to know more but hesitates asking.  
  


“Do you want to hear more? I don't want to bore you...”  
  


“If it's alright with you... Tell me,” Taekwoon pauses for a second, “ tell me how it all started, how did this become your job?”  
  


Wonshik looks down at his hands, thinks back to his teenage years. He didn't expect to dive into this topic with Taekwoon so early, but here they are.  
  
“At first… Well… I started writing music… when I was very young, 13, 14 maybe? And with the writing came the need to express it… Then I started singing but I turned to rapping pretty soon… And I was lucky… I put on my music on soundcloud and then miraculously I was approached by a producer. We worked together and now… Well, now I produce music on my own. I work more for other artists though.”  
  


“Do you prefer this? Working for other artists?”  
  
Wonshik looks at Taekwoon, a simple question, yet no one has asked him this before. Huh.  
  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
Taekwoon intertwines his fingers in front of his face, leans on his hands. He wants Wonshik to pick up the pieces and put them together, right in front of him.

“I think… It is easier. When I write music, it’s a very personal matter. It’s hard to put yourself out there on so many levels. My face, my voice, my... My heart. It feels as if I am naked… Which doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy putting myself out there. It’s just worked better for me, especially, uhm…” ‘ _Especially the past year’_ Wonshik is about to say, but senses he goes too far, almost says too much.  
  
  
“You don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable.”  
  


“Ahm, sorry, it’s a little odd talking about this subject… It feels like ages I’ve talked about music with someone I don’t work with.” Wonshik tries to explain himself, but it seems in vain, as Taekwoon looks at him knowingly, yet accepting this excuse.  
  
  
“I would love to explore some of your music” Taekwoon says, now hands back on the table. He looks at Wonshik with an almost shy smile, and Wonshik has to swallow. This conversation moves quickly and revolves solely around himself, Wonshik thinks, although he wanted to ask Taekwoon so much before they got here. He hopes there is enough room for this later, but also wonders if he should bring out his phone.  
  


“Do you want to listen to something written by me?”  
  


“Please.”  
  
  
He pulls out his iPhone plus headphones, and a smiling Bean greets Wonshik on the lock screen. Taekwoon can’t see him as he’s only facing Wonshik.

  
  
‘Are you proud of me, Bean?’

He plugs in the headphones and hands one over to Taekwoon, who puts it in his ear pretty gracefully, putting some hair behind it in the process. He unlocks his phone and looks for one song in the playlist “selfcomp”, presses play.  
  
Good Night & Good Morning, performed by Jaehwan. Not a well known song, Wonshik would say.

A few seconds in Taekwoon’s eyes light up, as if he’s recognizing the song immediately, but Wonshik thinks he is just seeing things.  
  
  
“This sounds lovely…” Taekwoon mutters after some time, closes his eyes, and Wonshik cannot seem to look away from his face, the glasses with the fingerprint on the corner.  
  


“Can you show me one… One that you perform?” Taekwoon open his eyes again, locking them with Wonshik’s.  
  
  
Versa comes immediately to Wonshik’s mind, but at the same time, it feels too…

Too…

He had written this one for Bean, many years ago, when his love for him felt bittersweet and he didn’t know if his feelings would be returned. He remembers how 1 year later his world was turned upside down when Hongbin had the guts and confessed to Wonshik first.  
  


Fuck it.

He roams through the list, finds the one he wants, presses play. He watches Taekwoon nervously, hears the guitar strings being pulled in his ear, and then he looks away. His voice sounds so foreign in his ears. It’s an old Wonshik, a different person. It’s a different kind of sadness. A distant one, one that he wishes back, would have preferred a hundred times over the pain he had gone through when-

Wonshik nervously glances over to Taekwoon again, who hasn’t closed his eyes this time, looking at Wonshik instead. Wonshik gets uneasy. It feels like he presents Taekwoon his meddled heart on a silver platter, and somehow Taekwoon seems to know. Maybe he should have kept this song to himself, he thinks, as Taekwoon finally closes his eyes, starts to gently move his head to the rhythm.  
  


“I know this song.”  
  
  
Wonshik musters him for a moment.  
  
“This song hasn’t been officially released…” Wonshik admits, but Taekwoon just starts singing, following the lyrics that have not come up yet in the song.  
  


“I know this song.” Taekwoon smiles, bittersweet, and continues mouthing the lyrics, as Wonshik desperately tries to remember when and where he had posted this song online. But more than that, he is surprised at hearing Taekwoon’s voice- it’s beautiful and delicate, remembering him of a woman’s voice, if he was honest.  
  
  
“Your voice-” Wonshik blurts out, fascinated and bewildered.

Taekwoon smiles gently at him, removing the headphone from his ear as he glances up. Their waiter appeared again, putting their glasses down on their table, hastily but with precision. Wonshik pulls away his headphones to make space. Their aperitif looks like plain water, and Wonshik wonders what the hell their waiter brought them.  
  


“Excuse me taking so long, we faced some problems with a guest just now.”  
  
  
He continues to put down the rest, their beer, some napkins and chopsticks, other cutlery, soy sauce, some wasabi, ginger and something that looks likes sauces on a smaller plate.  
  


“I’ll be returning with your food in a minute.” Their waiter quickly leaves their table, with no room for Wonshik or Taekwoon to intervene.

When he is gone both look at each other and laugh, they both wanted to reassure him that it was fine, but he didn’t let them.  
  


“Like a tornado.” Taekwoon remarks, and Wonshik and smiles back at him, nodding, but quickly returns to the subject.  
  


“Taekwoon, say... Where, I mean, how do you know this song? I don’t remember posting this anywhere.” As soon as he addresses Taekwoon with his name he wonders if he should have called him hyung instead. He is older than him, isn’t he?  
  


“I remember a picture of a man with red hair, but I couldn’t see his face, it was blurred. And I clicked on it, on the link below the picture. I think it was on a forum, but I don’t remember when, or where.”  
  


“I see…”  
  
  
Wonshik doesn’t know what to say. What are the odds? What are the odds that his dat- his fr-, _soon to be friend_ , had found one of the most important and personal songs somewhere on the internet, and now they sit here, years later, discussing said song? Considering the circumstances though, this is not the most outlandish thing here. The fact that Taekwoon had a striking resemblance with the deity he met when he was dead, or the fact that they are even sitting here is even weirder.

  
“I used to save my files under another pseudonym before I went public with ‘Ravi’.”  
  


“So RV stood for Ravi…”  
  


“You even remember my pseudonym from back then.”  
  


“You know, I saved the song. I listened to it often... it helped me through some rough times. I would never have expected to find RV. I looked for you but was not able to find anything, when I wanted to know more the forum wasn’t of much help.”  
  


“I left a lot of forums back then when things started working out for me…”  
  


“Glad this was the reason… Ravi...”  
  


Suddenly Taekwoon seems lost in thought. He looks down on the table, but nowhere in particular. What is he thinking?  
  


“Taekwoon?”  
  


“I really love this song. I mean it.”  
  


Wonshik looks at him, doesn’t know what to say. Telling him this seems to be important to Taekwoon.  
  


“Why?” Wonshik blurts out. He is curious, but he is surprised at his own bluntness, and so is Taekwoon. He fears it was rude asking like that, but Taekwoon seems to look for the right words.  
  


“Please, don’t laugh.”  
  


“I could never.”  
  


Taekwoon inhales, for the first time he genuinely looks nervous.

“I was deeply in love. But it was one sided.” Taekwoon looks down at his fingers, fidgeting with the glass in front of him.  
  


Wonshik feels shame wash over him. Taekwoon was careful with him previously, heck, all the time, but he acts so insensitively.  
  


“I’m sorry I made you tell me something so personal, I didn’t mean to-"  
  


“No, no, it’s ok.” Taekwoon looks up again, smiling shily, and Wonshik’s heart skips a beat.  
  
  
“It’s just that… I’m not used to talking about such maters with anyone, except for maybe… my mother or Hakyeon. But I want you to know. The song helped me at that time…”  
  


“O-ok then…” Taekwoon didn’t say much, but his little smile and that he, for some reason, wanted Wonshik to know why he loves Versa so much, makes Wonshik’s heart melt a little more.  
  


Wonshik doesn’t have much time to dwell on these feelings as their waiter appears again, with a big plate and an even bigger smile on his face.  
  


“Gentlemen, here is your food,” he says as he makes space to put down the plater, “please enjoy. Do you need anything else?”  
  


“No,” Wonshik automatically says, but gestures to Taekwoon who shakes his head and declines as well with a smile.  
  


“Enjoy your meal!”  
  
  
“Thank you,” they say in unison as the waiter disappears again.  
  


Wonshik and Taekwoon ogle over the artfully put together food and Wonshik hears his stomach protest to be fed already.

He picks up the glass with the aperitif in good faith, and Taekwoon does as well.  
  


“I don’t know what this is, but let’s drink on…”  
  
  
“…a nice night.” Taekwoon finishes his sentence, smiling. They toast, both downing the clear substance in one go next.  
  


“…ugh, what it this?” Wonhik’s face twists and turns like he bit down a lemon, and Taekwoon down right starts coughing, that’s how much it burns down his throat.  
  


“Drink some beer-“ Wonhsik says as he starts coughing himself, reaching for the cool brew himself.  
  


“Gosh, what is this…?” Taekwoon says as he finally clears his throat. Tears have gathered in his eyes, and he takes one more sip from his beer.  
  


“I didn’t expect it to be so strong.”  
  


They both start laughing when they realise what lightweights they are. Taekwoon takes off his glasses to picks up the tears that have gathered in his vision.  
  


“I’ve never reacted to alcohol like this before, but then again, I rarely drink to be honest.”  
  


“Me neither.” Wonshik leans back to breathe, and watches Taekwoon put back his glasses, now a second fingerprint overlapping the previous one.

After they got the hellish liquid out of their mouths and noses Wonshik pics up the soy sauce and puts some on a small bowl. Taekwoon takes a last sip from his beer and picks up his chop sticks.  
  


“This looks amazing. It’s been such a long time that I’ve been out to eat like this.” Taekwoon remarks as he picks up one piece with salmon. And with this they start picking apart the plate in between them.

“What about Hakyeon? Don’t you two go out together?” Wonshik asks and puts the first piece in his mouth, “You must have similar working hours.”  
  
Taekwoon swallows down, and licks over his lips.  
  


“The opposite, we rarely have matching shifts that overlap. But we try to spend time together at the hospital when we can… if we can.”  
  
  
“But you also work together, right? He said you also dress up.”

Taekwoon stops chewing and his ears get fiery red.

“Wait, what did he tell you…” he says with a hand over his mouth.  
  
  
“He said you dress up as a clown as well…” Wonshik tries not to grin, Taekwoon’s actually getting shy about this.  
  


“I-I do this for the hospitalized children. H-Hakyeon talked me into this. He knows I love children and put me in his costume once. And then the children asked for me again. And s-so it became a thing.”  
  


Wonshik smiles.  
  
  
“If Hakyeon is “Starlight”, then that makes you…?”  
  


Taekwoon hides behinds his hands, the blush spreading to his face.  
  


“God. Don’t laugh. The kids gave me this name, and Hakyeon endorsed it.”  
  


“I’ll be honest. I’ll try, but I can’t promise this time.”

  
Taekwoon moves his pointing finder, so that Wonshik can see one of his eyes.  
  
  
“It’s… Mr… Kitty.”  
  


Wonshik stares at him, almost drops his sushi.  
  


“Do you dress up as a cat?!”

“No!” Taekwoon blurts out, and it’s the loudest he has heard Taekwoon speak yet.  
  


“No,” He repeats, not as loud this time, puts some hair behind his ear, hastily. “The kids say I look like a cat, and they started calling me that. I still believe it was Hakyeon who started it, but he won’t admit it.”

Wonshik laughs, but tries to hold back for Taekwoon’s sake.

“To be honest, I wonder how you two became friends, seeing how different you are,” he says, trying to kill off his laugh.  
  


Taekwoon gives him a look, but thinks back to Hakyeon with what seems a lot of affection.

“When I first started working at the hospital, I didn’t know anyone. But then he started talking to me. I was drinking coffee from the cafeteria, and he asked how I can drink such an atrocious beverage. Long story short… that’s how he got introduced to vanilla lates and I got introduced to him.”

  
Wonshik laughs, somehow he can perfectly imagine Hakyeon acting like this in his mind.

“Still, it blows my mind how opposite you appear to be.”  
  
  
“One of his favourite sayings is “opposites attract”, so there’s that.”  
  
  
“I’ve heard that one from him before.”  
  
  
“It’s a Hakyeon thing… Though he will also say “people of the same kind stick together”, whatever fits the pot.”

  
“I see…”

Wonshik wonders how Taekwoon would react if he knew that Hakyeon initiated this by texting Wonshik. He sees Hakyeon smirk in front of his mental eye and remembers what he had told Wonshik: ‘He is very font of you’, ‘He can’t shut up about you’.

The ‘can’t shut up’ part must have been exaggerated though, because Taekwoon doesn’t seem like, and never stroke Wonshik as, a very talkative person. He is pretty laconic in his expression, Wonshik has noticed. This is how Taekwoon chooses to express himself in whatever he does. His gestures are soft and subtle, some might not even notice them, but Wonshik does here and there. It’s how Taekwoon chooses to pull stray hair strains away from his face with his little finger and put it behind his ear, how he smiles ever so slightly and will watch you and wait for your reaction. It makes Wonshik’s heart swell, and he must admit, he wants to see more of him, move further, push and pull on Taekwoon’s strings and explore… see how Taekwoon will react… If he finds the strength to.

Taekwoon might take his hand if he reaches out.

If he reaches out.

Taekwoon might.

  
‘He is very fond of you.’  
  


About that part, Wonshik feels just as unsure. Taekwoon seemed more flirty before they started talking more casually. Or maybe he was imagining things. Maybe it’s Taekwoon being nice. Because it’s just how he is, nice and friendly and too good to be true. Easy to talk to, understanding, sweet, even. Taekwoon picks up a piece and chews on it with gusto. He looks genuinely happy to be here. So is it just the food? Or is it also because of Wonshik?

Sweet, understanding.

Because Taekwoon is not them.

Wonshik stuffs another piece of sushi in his mouth as well, suddenly feeling a little uneasy.

Maybe Hakyeon was imagining things as well. Maybe this is not what Taekwoon wants from him, how he sees him. Why should Taekwoon want anything from him? Wonshik asked him out, so why does he feel disappointed? And this is not meant to be a date, anyway. They are just getting together to get to know each other. It’s the babysteps that he wanted to make after the huge leap he took when he met Taekwoon for the second time. He is getting to know him. Maybe this will evolve into a friendship. He is leaving his cocoon.

Taekwoon is not them.  
  
But what is Taekwoon?

Wonshik chews slowly on his piece of rice.

  
And what is Wonhik to Taekwoon?

He looks up as he swallows, locks eyes with Taekwoon again. Taekwoon senses his change in mood it seems, puts down his sticks.

  
  
“Say, Taekwoon. Today, I mean, tonight…”  
  
  
Wonshik can’t stop his mouth. He doesn’t want to go into this. He didn’t want to entertain the idea of dating again. But he needs to know, he doesn’t want to get lost in feelings that he shouldn’t nurture.  
  


“Why did you agree on meeting me again?”

  
Taekwoon stays silent, folds his hands in front of him and stares down.  
  
“I…”  
  
  
Wonshik swallows hard. The mood was nice, and he assassinated it. He watches Taekwoon struggle for words and feels sorry for putting this poor man through this awkward question.  
  
  
“I can’t really explain. For some reason… I knew we had to meet again.”

  
“…”

Is this how Taekwoon sees this? Something that’s meant to be?

So it’s not because of Wonshik? Was it the circumstances? Or is it that the man that sought his help piqued his curiosity?

Wonshik breathes in, trying to keep posture. It… It feels like a punch in the gut. He tries to not feel as pathetic as he looks up and finds Taekwoon searching for his eyes, still struggling for the right words. And then he hears Taekwoon’s soft voice again, and now his words are like a balm trying to mend him back together.

“For some reason, back then… I scared you so much, and yet you came back to find me. And once you saw me for who I was, I could see you for who you were. I saw your real face, I heard your real voice. And…”

  
The real Wonshik? Was he himself? Would he ever be the real Wonshik after what happened? The day Hongbin died marked the beginning and the end of Wonshik.

There would always be the time before and the time after the accident, both harbouring a different version of him. He doesn’t know what elements are truly himself anymore and what are pieces he mimics, thinking these are part of his past life, part of himself he lost.

And then came the day tried to kill himself.

It was the time he felt he had nothing left. To abandon his body in search for Hongbin’s embrace numbed every other feeling and turned into his only wish.  
  
He thought he had found the answer.  
  
It felt liberating.  
  


So what did Taekwoon see?

“…and I wanted to know more of you.”  
  
  
  
“…” After his weird behaviour, Wonshik sees how his ‘case’ might be of interest for him. He is a paramedic after all, he might find it -  
  
  


“…And why did you text me, after all this time?”  
  
  
  
  
Wonshik looks at him, taken aback.

He almost drowned in his negative thoughts again.

One foot deep in the black motionless broth.  
  


Why did he text Taekwoon?

He wanted to get out and meet people, leave his cocoon, that’s what he had promised to himself. He wanted to pick up colour and add it again to the canvas that was his life. As if he could actually touch the canvas and sketch on it, with colourful sprinkles of other people. But he chose Taekwoon’s blue, out of them all. The turquoise sea that had surfaced around him turned a deeper colour through him, and he realises he didn’t want to meet just anyone. He wanted to see Taekwoon. Taekwoon was the first thing he saw when he came back, and although it was a traumatic experience at first, it turned into something positive, in the end. He could see past his attempt to kill himself, past his encounter with the deity. His face didn’t remind him of all that. Taekwoon is not them.

But what is Taekwoon?

Taekwoon is not Hongbin.

Taekwoon will never be Hongbin.

Taekwoon will not replace Hongbin.  
  
No one will.  
  
But what is Taekwoon?

Wonshik doesn’t know.

All he knows is that he likes him, that he likes being around him. He realises that he wants to listen to him talk about things that matter to him, that he genuinely likes spending time with him. And he likes his voice. His gentleness. His confidence but also his shy moments here and there. He wants to talk about his music with him. He likes to watch him use his pinkie finger putting away annoying hair strains. He wants Taekwoon’s blue to mix it with the red he has already added to the canvas.

  
Maybe, Wonshik realises, he does know.  
  
It’s so simple.  
  
So, so simple.  
  
With all the strength he musters, Wonshik faces Taekwoon.

  
“It’s because I wanted to see _you_ again.”  
  
  
  


  
Taekwoon smiles.

  
-  
  
  


It’s pretty cold, they realise upon leaving the Shangri La. Taekwoon pulls his denim jacket closed, and so does Wonshik, although the alcohol in their systems doesn’t let them feel much of the chilling degrees.   
  
  
Taekwoon watches the buildings pass as he walks ahead of Wonshik. The later follows him with his eyes, watches him observe, listens to the heels of his boots hitting the pavement softly with every step.  
  
How slender he is. His jeans sit so tight that his legs appear like sticks. When he looks up the street lights get reflected in his glasses.

Taekwoon looks over his shoulder as Wonshik reaches for his cigarettes. He picked Marlboro Gold this time.

They walk in comfortable silence until they reach a plaza with a fountain. It’s pretty deserted at this time at, Woshik looks at his watch, almost 2 AM in the night.

He spots a bench in one corner. He sits down, lifting a cigarette to his mouth.  
  
Taekwoon approaches him, eyes already flickering with something he wants to say.

  
“You shouldn’t smoke,” Taekwoon says as he watches him search for his lighter.  
  


“I know,” Wonshik answers bittersweet, smiles weakly. He pulls out his zippo that has “yolo” engraved on it, lights up his cigarette.  
  
Taekwoon’s cheeks are red from the cold.  
  


‘I’m sorry, Bean’

  
He pulls on his cigarette and leans his head back, exhales the smoke into the cool night air, shuts his eyes. If only Hongbin could see him, he’d take the scolding gladly. Lovely Hongbin who cared for his health so much when he couldn’t care less.  
  
Hongbin that isn’t here anymore.  
  


‘Look, what am I doing without you? But please, allow me to smoke this one for you.’

Taekwoon approaches Wonshik, and the younger looks up from the bench, following his movements. Wonshik drags on his cigarette again, savours the taste before he exhales. With the cigarette resting between pointing and middle finger right on his lips, Wonshik dares Taekwoon to do something about it.

It’s a weird night. And the alcohol in his bloodstream makes the feeling even more surreal. Maybe his meds and alcohol don’t go well together, after all.

  
  
Wonshik looks up, to the silhouette in front of him.

There is a shift in the atmosphere, changing the air around them.

Taekwoon bows down to him, looks him directly in the eyes and smirks.  
  
  


“You shouldn’t smoke,” he repeats and takes the cigarette out of Wonshik’s hand, guides it to his mouth instead.

Wonshik feels his heart skip a beat.

This is Taekwoon’s way of being sassy, Wonshik realises. The man grins to get a reaction out of Wonshik as he sucks on the stick.  
  


And what a sight that is. Maybe it’s the alcohol and the meds talking, but Taekwoon, beautiful and kind Taekwoon, never before has Wonshik noticed the eroticism in his actions.  
  


Again, it’s subtle.  
  


It’s the long fingers barely touching him when he takes the cigarette from him.

It’s the hidden tenderness in his eyes that Wonshik realises he wants to see more of.

It’s the way Taekwoon slightly parts his beautiful lips to suck on the cigarette without looking away from him, his black hair that falls in his face as the cigarette lights up, making him look a little dangerous in the darkness.

Wonshik becomes aware of this all at once, and it sends him spiralling down, captivated, wanting to observe more. 

He suddenly wishes he could share the same fate with the cigarette.

Set aflame between Taekwoon’s fingers.  
  


Taekwoon grins cheekily at him as he exhales lavishly into the night. The smokes shines white around him, set alight by the streetlights. His airy laugh fills the silence when he notices Wonhsik staring at him with an open mouth.

Wonshik can play this game too.

It takes two to tango.

“Give me back my smoke,” he complains, reaching for Taekwoon.  
  
  
Taekwoon puffs again, eyes resiliently stuck on Wonshik’s face as he holds the cigarette in the same manner Wonshik did just now.  
  
  
“It’s mine now,” he announces and sucks a third time. The cigarette lights up again, burning down even further.  
  
  


Wonshik stands up and walks up to Taekwoon, and Taekwoon watches amused, steps back blindly, his heels hitting the pavement with a clicking noise.

“I don’t share.” He holds the cigarette behind his back, trying to keep it out of Wonshik’s reach, exhales in Woshik’s face. But Wonshik grabs Taekwoon’s arm, pulls his hand up again. Taekwoon observes without a word or an ounce of resistance, and Wonshik pulls on the cigarette, blinks up to catch Taekwoon’s eyes again. He lets go of Taekwoon and leans back, exhales with a smirk, because Taekwoon’s is gone.  
  


  
“You just did, thief.”

  
“You shouldn’t smoke,” comes Taekwoon’s response again.  
  
  
“And what makes it ok for you to smoke?”  
  
  
“I don’t smoke.”  
  
  
  
Wonshik gives him a look.  
  
“You don’t make sense.”  
  
  
Taekwoon regards Wonshik for a moment before he reaches out, holding the cigarette out for him to suck on it again, and the younger does, lips almost touching the skin of Taekwoon’s fingers, provocatively keeping eye contact.

Taekwoon swallows a little too obvious and pulls it out of Wonshik’s lips, sucks on the last unburned bit before he lets the cigarette fall down without even looking at it.

Wonshik cannot look away from him.  
  


“You stole my smoke.” he says with a lower voice.  
  
  
“But it was mine.”  
  


It’s a stupid chase and they both know, this is not about the cigarette anymore.

  
“Give it back to me.”  
  
  
Taekwoon’s eyes jump form Wonshik’s eyes to his mouth, and he notices.

  
“Give it back to you…?“  
  
  
“Yes, give it back.”

  
Wonshik approaches Taekwoon, this pretty man with rosy cheeks and messy hair, his provocative grin gone, replaced with something else.  
  


“Say, will you?”  
  
  
He reaches out and grabs Taekwoon gently by the neck, pulls him towards him. It’s bravery manifested out of that little alcohol they had, combined with an seemingly insatiable curiosity for Taekwoon. Taekwoon blinks once, before wrapping his arms around Wonshik’s torso.  
  


Wonshik wonders, can one unlearn how to kiss?  
  


It seems like he has never seen lips up close, never touched them before, when he finally seals Taekwoon’s lips with his. It’s warm and a little wet, Taekwoon’s lips kiss him slowly, movements come in waves, ebb and flow, Wonshik is the moon. Taekwoon’s arms wrap all around him, even further, holding him as if he is something precious, and his kisses are soft, oh so soft and warm, Wonshik wants to sigh into Taekwoon’s mouth so bad. But Taekwoon sighs first, a breathy noise full of warmth and Taekwoon’s sweetness, Wonshik recognises it and swallows it down. He gently bites down Taekwoon’s lip, earning more sweet noises, sweet as the smell of sandalwood that fills his nose, sweet as Taekwoon’s cheeks that brush against his, so warm, and Wonshik imagines, a little pink as well. Taekwoon’s hand wanders to the front, Wonshik’s chest, then up, finds his neck, his cheek. He moves up slowly, gently cups Wonshik’s face as he deepens the kiss, holding Wonshik like a bouquet of flowers, not to break him but to cherishing him, and he leans into the slightly bigger man. Wonshik tries to remove Taekwoon’s glasses because it feels like they are in the way, but he doesn’t manage to, Taekwoon’s whole body melts into the kiss, kissing Wonshik as it’s their first and last kiss at once, as if he truly whished Wonshik was his, as if it was love.

  
  
As Taekwoon gives Wonshik a last dragged out kiss, he leans slowly back to release him. A little out of breath Wonshik looks at him, and Taekwoon in turn looks at Wonshik as if he is a little ashamed of himself, as if he fears he went too far, too fast.  
  


“Was this… Was this alright?” he asks sheepishly, as if he initiated it.  
  
  
Wonshik smiles at him, pulls on the front of his jacket to tease him a little.

  
“I need more nicotine.”

With that he pulls Taekwoon onto his lips again, kisses him hungrily, and Taekwoon seems to lose more and more of his restrain. Gentle kisses turn into tongue, and Taekwoon’s grip tightens on Wonshik as he envelopes him in his arms, so big and warm and safe. Wonshik enjoys how Taekwoon’s hands hold onto him so tight, as if he seeks some kind of physical pain to proof that he is alive.  
  
  
“You’re-“ Taekwoon wrings out in between “- cute”  
  


  
Wonshik smiles into the kiss, if only Taekwoon could hear or see himself, he would hopefully realise that he is so much cuter than Wonshik will ever be.  
  


He embraces Taekwoon tightly, they are so close and warm together, he doesn’t feel the cold night air on his skin anymore. Taekwoon somehow removes his glasses, and Wonshik holds his face, fingers finding their way to Taekwoon’s hair. He pulls him closer by his neck, his hand engulfed in Taekwoon’s hair. He opens his eyes to find Taekwoon’s hair tie in his fingers, and Taekwoon soon realises too, that Wonshik accidentally let his hair loose.  
  
Wonshik takes a strain of hair from Taekwoon, lifts it up to his lips and kisses it.  
  
  
Taekwoon smiles, cheeks red, eyes into crescents.  
  


He takes Wonshik's hand in return, and kisses it as well.


	2. Epilogue

Taekwoon kisses Wonshik’s neck, slowly, carefully. Wonshik breathes in as Taekwoon’s fingers roam over his chest, his heart beating so fast he can’t stand it. Taekwoon’s hair brushes over his naked skin, and the comforting blue engulfs him.

Taekwoon doesn’t know, how the blue follows him, how the turquoise he breathes is enveloping him like an aura that only Wonshik can see.

Wonshik is sure, the turquoise sea, the warmth of the deep blue waters that he sought before were Taekwoon.

His subconscious longed for it, the blue sparkle that surfaced around him that day, but the terrifying black was still lingering.

He watches Taekwoon open his mouth to say his name, with so much sweetness he wants to sigh and melt then and there. He clutches his brush with the red paint, ready to add more to the canvas, but also wanting to paint Taekwoon and leave something of himself behind on him.

‘Hongbin, are you proud?’

He asks for Taekwoon’s kiss, and Taekwoon complies. Sweet and oh so tasty, the man’s mouth feels like candy.

Wonshik feels greedy. Maybe it is too much too soon.

Maybe the blue is a dull grey and he is projecting his wishes, his craving for a spark of life onto Taekwoon.

But at the same time, how can this be an illusion, when Taekwoon took his hand when he reached out and turned the waters into colour?

Taekwoon smells like sandalwood, so does his long black hair. Wonshik dives into the hair with his spread out fingers, kissing Taekwoon’s ear, murmuring sweetly.

“You taste so sweet…”

“I think you’re much sweeter…”

Wonshik is nervous, but with every kiss and show of affection it’s getting easier. Taekwoon’s hands are warm, and the weight of his body on himself is comforting.

Will it be alright? Will he be alright? He doesn’t want to hurt Taekwoon, wants to cherish his presence and the time they spend together.

He is not here to replace Hongbin, no one will. Hongbin will always be here, somehow, somewhere. But how he will be able to tell Taekwoon, if he’s ever going to be able to tell him, he doesn’t know. He certainly has to. His heart still belongs to him. But Taekwoon is in there too, painting a corner blue, and the colour is spreading deeper and deeper in even more cavities and cracks.

Hongbin’s colour won’t be erased. Their colours are complementing each other, and Hongbin’s yellows and purples are touching upon Taekwoon’s blue. It’s a weird harmony. Wonshik expected a fight for dominance in his heart, a violent outburst of self-loathing when he realises he might have been letting another person in.

He loves Hongbin. He always will.

But there is also Taekwoon now. And it is ok, this will be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the readers that came this far: thank you so much for reading. This series means alot to me, and I hope that, although it was pretty sad and not pleasant at a lot of moments, you found it enjoyable and took somethig away from it.
> 
> PS: The song in the beginning was Error.


End file.
